The Return of the Retard Voldermort!
by voldermortloveslollipops
Summary: First ever story written by me. : Funny and humourous, sure to get you laughing. Voldermort lives in his house and goes insane after doing nothing but play everyday. He's quite retarded and funny & very childish. :D
1. 1 Voldermort's best friend is candy!

**Chapter 1: Candy is Lord Voldermort's new best friend.**

"I want my candy now! Right now!" Voldermort glared angrily at everyone in the room. "Where's tea? Why do I always have to call for it? Can't anyone take any initiative and help around for a bit? Where's my candy???!!! " Lord Voldemort screamed violently, making all his fellow "followers" disappear.

Voldermort always had candy for tea every single day of the week, or he would throw up a big fuss like he was right now. His followers thought this was extremely childish, which it was, but did not dare to say it.

One time Lucius said that it was "kid stuff"; Voldermort immediately put a silencing charm on him and laid the infamous Crucio curse on him.

After that incident, no one said a word.

Well, would would…right?

His newest follower, an about to be young clown named Bobbie scuttled into the kitchen, grabbed a whole tin of Chuppachups and threw it into the room, where Lord Voldemort was already greedily sucking them like the soul of Harry Potter.

An hour was up; Snape carefully popped his head around the door, checking to see if Voldermort was nearly done with his "best friends".

The moment he caught sight of Voldemort, Voldemort saw him and screamed so loudly the whole neighbourhood could have heard, "shut that door you asshole! Give people some peace when they are eating, damn it! Buzz off! Leave me and my candies alone!"

Snape quickly pulled his head back and slammed the door shut, relief showing on his face. "Phew… that was a close one."

Looking around, he asked, "when did this lollipop," he held up an uneaten Cola-flavoured Chupachupp lollipop up, "become his new best friend?"

3 hours was up and finally they heard the signal that they could come into the room-a long loud and extremely smelly burp.

"BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!"

"Oooh, did you hear him go?" Crabbe and Goyle nudged each other laughing and rolling around on the floor, poking each other in the ribs.

The others just held their noses tightly and squeezed their eyes shut, making them look as silly as toads with clown makeup.

"Bobbie, just how many lollipops did you actually feed, no, rather, stuff him with?!" Lucius glared at Bobbie. "Did you know it's a crime to feed him more than 10 for tea?" He sneered angrily, rolling his eyes.

Bobbie flushed and managed to put on a rather sickly looking grin.

"Argh. Doesn't Voldermort know how to actually employ anyone? Or those he just close his eyes and go round catching someone?!"

With that, they all hurried into the room, one by one, trying hard not to looking disgusted with Voldermort as he sat at the end of the table, grinning away like a maniac.


	2. The Death Eaters Annual Party Planning

Chapter 2: Voldermort organises the annual party for the Death Eaters.

"BOBBIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Voldermort shouted impatiently from his study room, aka the cellar.

Bobbie scuttled into the old, dirty, smelly and musty room, skidding on an empty lollipop wrapper, fell on his bum and ended up breaking a precious vase, an antique from China given by his br.

Oops, he thought to himself clumsily.

Voldermort rolled his eyes angrily and muttered a few words before the vase put itself back together again and placed itself nicely on the cabinet where it once lay undisturbed.

"Sorry about that…" He muttered shamefully before answering, "Yes my lord?"

"I was wondering…who should I invite for the Death Eater's annual party? I vaguely remember that there are 7 of us…no? Well, all I can remember is: Snape, Lucious Malfoy, Bellatrix, Crabbe, Goyle and me…who is the last person?"

-silence follows-

"…It's me."

"Right… Sorry about the mal-functioning of my memory, I must say… It doesn't work as well as it did, well, once upon a time…" Voldermort flushed a pale red on his white pale bony cheeks, and started writing once again in a very illegibly scrawl.

After a few seconds of scribbling on his parchment, he looked up again and said, "Bobbie, I have an extremely important question and task for you."

Bobbie looked up.

Something important?

For him. Something important for HIM to do had propped up! Hooray!

This could very well be his chance for showing to Voldermort that he wasn't a good for nothing Death Eater!

He could finally get his chance to show off his practice, his HARD work at _crucio-ing_ those worthless little muggle brats.

He must not muck up this wonderful chance to be a real loyal member, someone EVERYONE respected. He "tuned in" to Voldermort's "channel" and paid attention!

He quickly wore a fake,sickening smile on his face and replied, "Yes my lord?"

Voldermort stared at him and tilted his head before scratching it with a bony finger, a quizzical expression on his face.

"What sort of flavoured cakes do you think I should get, should I get Sarah Lee's all famous cakes or those Charm City Cake's I saw on the web while doing research?"

Bobbie wanted to scream.

* * *

Hi all, I know I'm not very good at writing long stories...  
but this story is just for laugh and gags when you're bored(:  
please review k:D

thanks!


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